I love this song
I don't know the point of this blog. Just ramblings I guess.
What is marriage for? Is marriage to get some kind of self fulfillment from your spouse? Are we there to constantly tell the other how handsome/beautiful, amazing, outstanding, hardworking they are. I guess that is one of the big keys.
I was recently told that the STBEH was happy meeting other people because of the positive attention he got from other women. Or girls. It was at a hooters, so I'm sure it wasn't a woman. (LOL kidding to any people who might work there. Personally I worked there for a long time back in the day) I wanted to tell him, "those girls are paid to treat you like you are incredible" Inside my heart was saying, "its cause you are amazing. Those girls would be lucky to get to know you"
The good him. The good side that is kind, and gentle. The side that I was able to see every once and a while during our 8 year marriage.
I'm not gonna lie, it was a knife to my heart. I feel like I was always telling him how handsome he was, how hard he worked, how amazing I thought he was. I guess I wasn't good enough.
I'm sorry I wasn't the perfect wife. Maybe I shouldn't have always been in sweats at the end of the night. Put a little more effort in my makeup and appearance. Maybe because it was me spending the past few years working my butt off at night and taking care of kids all day. Maybe because I spent 3 years being pregnant and raising babies.
Maybe because HE didn't make ME feel good. I cant remember one single time I was carrying any of his 3 beautiful sons that he ever told me that I was beautiful. That hurt. After so many years of not being noticed, I started getting a complex. I started feeling so insecure. I started getting jealous. I started to hate myself for not being good enough, which lead to depression which made him angry at me, which made him lash out at me and the cycle just kept repeating.
In fact, it wasn't until this divorce that I feel he even noticed me. Now its, "oh wow, your going out like that? Wow, you look amazing" Well guess what..I have always looked like this (give or take a few hair color changes)
Its not until someone is gone that you realize what you should have done. What you should have said. How you could have been better.
Amy my heart breaks for you.. I know you are doing the right thing... but know i am still praying for him.. praying for a miracle . That God will turn on the lightbulb and he will see what he is missing.
ReplyDeleteI read this book called "Sacred marriage: what if God designed marriage o make us more holy than to make us happy?" Amazing read! It may change your view of things..
Your self worth should NEVER be based on him or other people who will let you down, but on the blood of the one who chose YOU and died. I LOVE YOU FIREND!!!
Amy - just remember, the ONLY one who can define you is THE ONE who created YOU! He and He alone is the one who determines your identity - not your spouse, not your kids, not your parents, not your peers and NOT EVEN YOU. He created You, He says you are beautiful, He says you are one of a kind, He says you are lovely, He says you are brilliant, He says you are special...LET THE ONE WHO CREATED YOU DEFINE YOU....Love you my precious friend....Every tear you cry, every hurt you've felt, every pain you've carried - He feels at the very core of His being. He says - that's MY PRINCESS and He wants to wipe away every tear, every hurt, and every pain...
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