Do you ever have those moments when you feel like a complete failure?
That's how Ive felt all week.
I watched my STBEH pack his car and move away.My marriage was coming to an end. 8 years with someone. 3 beautiful boys. A home. A history. All over and gone.
I keep hearing my heart will heal. People keep telling me I will realize how strong I am. Women are confiding in me that they are going through the same thing. That I'm so brave. I dont feel that way. I feel like a failure. A static.
All I want to do is cry. I don't feel strong. My heart is breaking.
One of the worst things I have ever experienced was watching my boys get into their dads car yesterday. They were going to leave for the weekend. I cried. My heart broke. From now on...I have to experience that heart break every single Friday afternoon. I have no idea how they are, if they will miss me, if they are sleeping good, what they are wearing or what they are eating. The biggest heartbreak is knowing that we couldn't make it work for them. They deserve the world. Not for their mom and dad to be split up and grow up in 2 homes.
But I know its for the best. I know they will be loved in 2 homes. I know they will grow up to be men who respect women and who know they are loved.
I don't know what else to write. I feel numb.
Amy when my marriage of 6 years ended I remember sitting in my truck and crying for hours. I haven't cried like that since I was a child. I remember thinking what a failure that I was. I remember thinking what is my dad going to say? What will my friends think of me. How will I make it through the day to day. I remember waking and going to check to see if there was coffee and waking to an empty home. Now I don't have the children so I cant understand your loss there, however I can confide to you that God does know what he is doing. He knows your pain, your anguish, and your fears. And above all he knows that you are not a failure. And you say that there is love in both homes for your children. Then let your mind seize control of the situation and know that their father on earth, and there Father in heaven are watching over your children. All I can say is cast your cares upon God, I truly hope for your happiness and will be praying for you and yours.
ReplyDeleteTracy Fisher
Hi Amy, I tend to ramble when I feel strong about anything but I will try and keep it short. I have been where you are at with 2 kids and trust me it gets much easier. Of course stay strong and pray and while you pray, pray to be more like God. I hope I can give you a little peice of advise from someone who has been there. LOVE LIKE GOD, LOVE WITHOUT FEAR. After I left my ex I threw up walls and shut my heart down to anyone but my kids. I wasn't looking for anyone or anything. about a month after the split I met this amazing man named Derrik, he made me laugh he made me smile he cared and wanted to know about my children (both of them never thought a guy would want me and my kids). Friends told me it was to soon and so did my family and I was so scared and I pushed him far away as fast as I could, he tried every thing he could but I kept pushing. After time I began to date again and I noticed every guy I would date I would compare to Derrick and they would never come close. I finally got the nerve up to call Derrick and was to the moon to hear his voice. And now here is the bad part ... yep he was married. I was heart broken all over again. I have been looking for a little over a year now and I know God has a plan for me I just sometimes wonder if that plan was Derrick and I wasnt listening to God's will but followed what I and my friends and family thought were right. So if I can give you any advise, keep your heart open LOVE WITHOUT FEAR. You will get through this and become an even better mother person and maybe even wife again someday. God will never give us more than we can handle.
ReplyDeleteSophia