D Day

I haven't blogged in a while. Haven't shared much of my divorce journey. I have been busy being a single mom to 3 boys, working, and keeping a home. I have been busy filling my life with things that distract me from the pain. Staying out late, meeting new people, sleeping in on the weekends and working all night.

Healthy? No, I know I'm not doing what I should do but I am doing what I'm doing and I'm not going to make excuses. Nor will I keep up this behavior. I am DETERMINED to better myself from this. I am DETERMINED to be a amazing role model for my boys. To be a strong woman they can look up to and be proud of. I want so bad to be able to say the Lord is my strength. Hopefully, with some help I can.

My mom sent me a few texts this morning on my way to the courthouse. She told me she wished we would try Christian counseling first and put the divorce on hold and she would do whatever it took to help. My heart sank. 8:30 in the morning and the tears started to flow. Part of me wanted to turn the car around and tell her she was right. The other part of me knew there was no changing the amount of damage that either of us had done during our marriage. I told her I was following through with it.

I don't know what I expected the courtroom to be like. I guess a huge room with a big ole scary judge ready to well, judge me. She was a very nice lady..a little intimidating..but nice enough. She started asking me questions, I replied. Then she said, "do you know Arizona offers free marriage counseling if you want to try and save your marriage" I did not know this. Again, my heart sunk and I had tears streaming down my face. I told her that it was not able to be saved. She said, "so you are stating that your marriage is broken" I answered "yes ma'am" and she said she granted my divorce and good luck. You are now officially divorced. I felt as if a thousand knives were stabbing me all at the same time. I couldn't breath and all I could do was cry.

I sent JR a text letting him know it was over. He told me he wished he could have been there to hug me. Another knife stabbing me.

Walked out of the courthouse in disbelief that just like that the journey of this divorce was over. All the years I spent talking about it and all the hours I spent daydreaming about one day breaking free of an unhealthy marriage had all come to an end. I for the first time in 8 years was a single woman. And for some reason, was never so frightened in my life.

A Little Bit Stronger

A little girl spends countless hours in her bedroom dressing up her barbie in a beautiful wedding dress. Or maybe just toilet paper and pretends it is a high fashion vintage dress. Little girls will walk their barbie down an isle and meet their prince charming (aka the Ken doll) and have them kiss. Little girls dream of their dream man. It is instilled in us at an early age.

For some little girls, their dream becomes a reality and for others, it doesn't quite work out that way.

I had all these same dreams. In fact, somewhere...maybe in a box at my parents house, I have a drawing of a man in glasses, wearing a suit, and holding a briefcase. Something about 9 to 5 professional jobs always  made me think of the perfect all American family. I blame it on TV shows growing up. That's what we are SUPPOSE to do. That's what society is calling us to.

I would have celebrated 8 years of wedded bliss  marriage yesterday. It only happens every 4 years. We thought it would be "cool" to go elope on leap year. Instead, my new "American Family" is going to consist of an over exhausted and extended single mom to 3 amazing little boys.

Amazing boys who right now have me extremely outnumbered and pulling out my hair!

I don't know what I miss at this point. Today has been exactly one month since he moved out.  I do miss him. I miss having someone hold me. Love me. All that mushy stuff. I don't miss the fighting, the anger, the violence. I don't miss the bitter heart that was taking over my life.

I just miss the dream that all girls have. A prince charming. A clean and tidy house. Dinner on the table every night and the all American family.

Today, exactly 8 years and 1 day after we said I do and one month since my life changed, I can honestly say I am a little bit stronger!

I believe...

Things get better with time. I believe that.

When it rains it pours. I believe that.

Jesus loves me. I believe that.

I am strong. I am trying to believe that.

My STBEH moved out 24 days ago. My best friend moved IN 25 days ago. It has been a wonderful distraction. Instead of lonely nights crying over my failed marriage, I have her to watch our shows, drink wine, and just talk. We sometimes cry, we always laugh, and we are able to be there for eachother.

But then when Im alone. Weather its laying in my bed without an arm around me, or cooking dinner for 3 boys not 4. It hits me. I am no longer wanted. Though it was ultimately MY chose to end the marriage, I feel thrown away. I feel that I was not worth a fight and that I was not good enough.

I wish I could say all the right Christian things right now. I can't. In fact, I went to church on Sunday for the first time in months and I realized why I don't go. It just hurts to much. It breaks me. I don't want to hurt and I don't want to be broken. I know both are totally normal and  healthy things to happen. I know I need to be broken, but I cant take much more pain.

I just want to be left alone. (of course as soon as I type that the STBEH calls) I just ignored his call. He is the last person I want to talk to right now. I found him on a dating web site the other night. DATING. Not Facebook or Myspce (not that anyone Myspace's anymore) but a site that you actually pay to meet single women. He moved out 3 weeks ago. He signed up 2 1/2 weeks ago. I am crushed. So, so, so heartbroken.

Next week would have been our 8 year anniversary. We eloped in Las Vegas on Leap Year. I remember cheerfully talking about how ever 4 years we will do something BIG. How do you build a life for 8 years with someone, have 3 beautiful children, and just walk away without fighting and start dating a week after you move out?

Maybe I am jealous. Not of the girl he is talking to, but jealous for the fact that despite how lonely I am the last thing in the world I want is to date someone. I have 3 boys who need ALL of me right now. They are and will be my focus for the rest of my life.

I believe one day I will be fine.
I believe one day my heart will not ache so greatly.
I believe one day I will have total trust in the Lord.
I believe one day I will be able to be proud of who I am.

Failure

Do you ever have those moments when you feel like a complete failure?

That's how Ive felt all week.

I watched my STBEH pack his car and move away.My marriage was coming to an end. 8 years with someone. 3 beautiful boys. A home. A history. All over and gone.

I keep hearing my heart will heal. People keep telling me I will realize how strong I am. Women are confiding in me that they are going through the same thing. That I'm so brave. I dont feel that way. I feel like a failure. A static.

All I want to do is cry. I don't feel strong. My heart is breaking.

One of the worst things I have ever experienced was watching my boys get into their dads car yesterday. They were going to leave for the weekend. I cried. My heart broke. From now on...I have to experience that heart break every single Friday afternoon. I have no idea how they are, if they will miss me, if they are sleeping good, what they are wearing or what they are eating. The biggest heartbreak is knowing that we couldn't make it work for them. They deserve the world. Not for their mom and dad to be split up and grow up in 2 homes.

But I know its for the best. I know they will be loved in 2 homes. I know they will grow up to be men who respect women and who know they are loved.

I don't know what else to write. I feel numb.

Self Fulfillment

I love this song

I don't know the point of this blog. Just ramblings I guess.

What is marriage for? Is marriage to get some kind of self fulfillment from your spouse? Are we there to constantly tell the other how handsome/beautiful, amazing, outstanding, hardworking they are. I guess that is one of the big keys.

I was recently told that the STBEH was happy meeting other people because of the positive attention he got from other women. Or girls. It was at a hooters, so I'm sure it wasn't a woman. (LOL kidding to any people who might work there. Personally I worked there for a long time back in the day) I wanted to tell him,  "those girls are paid to treat you like you are incredible" Inside my heart was saying, "its cause you are amazing. Those girls would be lucky to get to know you"

The good him. The good side that is kind, and gentle. The side that I was able to see every once and a while during our 8 year marriage.

I'm not gonna lie, it was a knife to my heart. I feel like I was always telling him how handsome he was, how hard he worked, how amazing I thought he was. I guess I wasn't good enough.

I'm sorry I wasn't the perfect wife. Maybe I shouldn't have always been in sweats at the end of the night. Put a little more effort in my makeup and appearance. Maybe because it was me spending the past few years working my butt off at night and taking care of kids all day. Maybe because I spent 3 years being pregnant and raising babies.

Maybe because HE didn't make ME feel good. I cant remember one single time I was carrying any of his 3 beautiful sons that he ever told me that I was beautiful. That hurt. After so many years of not being noticed, I started getting a complex. I started feeling so insecure. I started getting jealous. I started to hate myself for not being good enough, which lead to depression which made him angry at me, which made him lash out at me and the cycle just kept repeating.

In fact, it wasn't until this divorce that I feel he even noticed me. Now its, "oh wow, your going out like that? Wow, you look amazing" Well guess what..I have always looked like this (give or take a few hair color changes)

Its not until someone is gone that you realize what you should have done. What you should have said. How you could have been better.

The Best Day...

Hide your crazy and start acting like a lady...

This divorce has brought out the absolute worst in me. I need to get my act together and be the kind of woman I can be proud of. The kind of woman my kids could be proud of.

When I am hurt, my first instinct is to hurt the people who hurt me. I don't know why I do this. Between that and building up walls I am a very unpleasant person..to say the least. The walls I am building up around my heart allow for nothing to get in. Inside the walls is a broken, damaged, and beat up. It feels like it is barley beating. That's why I have to protect it. I have to hold on to the faint beat and the little bit of life that still comes from it.

I'm bitter, angry, and a skeptic. I am hurt by not on the STBEH but by people who I thought were my family for 8 years. How can you go from "caring" about someone for so long to all of a sudden nothing. I was by no way a perfect wife but come on folks..it was HIM had the problem with anger. It was HIM who decided to put his hands on me one to many times (yeah, I finally said it...and you know what it feels GOOD to get that out in the open) A phone call in the past 8 weeks would have been nice. You know, make sure Im ok, the kids are ok. Let me know that you are sorry for what has happened and your here if WE need you.

Wow, that feels great. Unfortunately that probably wont happen. I have taken everyone who has been unsupportave and has talked bad about me off my FB and will continue to do so. Life right now is about me and my boys. That is my focus. I will continue to do so and protect my broken heart.

Ok, whew. Glad to get that out in the open.

Now I can go on to acting like the lady I know I am and make my boys proud of their mamma!