Letting Go

Yesterday at 8:30 am my STBEH (soon-to-be ex-husband) left for the Phoenix Airport. He was flying to Northern California on tickets I bought him. A few months ago I wanted to do something special for his 30th birthday. So a weekend get a way and a party with his friends and family was what I was going to surprise him with. Besides, we could use a weekend away.

Fast forward a few months and now I sit alone while he goes. Its fine. It really is. I am learning to let go. Let go of control. Let go of responsibility. Let go of everything.

He has been gone 24 hours and I have only received one thing. A text that simply said, "I landed FYI" I sent nothing back. I didn't get a good night text. I didn't get a text checking on the boys. My Grandma didn't get a call from him asking to say goodnight to his kids. We got nothing.

And I have to be ok with that. I have to let go. My heart is breaking and that is the first step to start this healing process. I have to let him go. He has to go do what he wants and be in the world like he desires right now and just pray that it doesn't have such a strong grip on him that he wont be able to find his way back. I pray for the boys sake that he will I guess "get his head out of his a@@" and make his kids a priority and not his self.

I feel like my only child is going of to college at the young age of 8. 8 years we have been married and I have taken complete care of him. I have paid every bill, balanced every checkbook, done 100% of everything. Now I have to let him go out into the real world and worry if he is going to float or sink. My stomach is in knots. I had the wost nightmares last night about him. I am worried sick about him and I have to sit on my hands to keep me from calling or texting him.

I'm going to let go. I am going to let go and choose to be happy. I will continue to stay focused on my boys and Jesus. And one day I know that the Lord will bring into my life a man who thinks the world of me and my boys and when He does, he is going to be the luckiest man ever because I have so much love to give. Until then, I am letting go.