D Day

I haven't blogged in a while. Haven't shared much of my divorce journey. I have been busy being a single mom to 3 boys, working, and keeping a home. I have been busy filling my life with things that distract me from the pain. Staying out late, meeting new people, sleeping in on the weekends and working all night.

Healthy? No, I know I'm not doing what I should do but I am doing what I'm doing and I'm not going to make excuses. Nor will I keep up this behavior. I am DETERMINED to better myself from this. I am DETERMINED to be a amazing role model for my boys. To be a strong woman they can look up to and be proud of. I want so bad to be able to say the Lord is my strength. Hopefully, with some help I can.

My mom sent me a few texts this morning on my way to the courthouse. She told me she wished we would try Christian counseling first and put the divorce on hold and she would do whatever it took to help. My heart sank. 8:30 in the morning and the tears started to flow. Part of me wanted to turn the car around and tell her she was right. The other part of me knew there was no changing the amount of damage that either of us had done during our marriage. I told her I was following through with it.

I don't know what I expected the courtroom to be like. I guess a huge room with a big ole scary judge ready to well, judge me. She was a very nice lady..a little intimidating..but nice enough. She started asking me questions, I replied. Then she said, "do you know Arizona offers free marriage counseling if you want to try and save your marriage" I did not know this. Again, my heart sunk and I had tears streaming down my face. I told her that it was not able to be saved. She said, "so you are stating that your marriage is broken" I answered "yes ma'am" and she said she granted my divorce and good luck. You are now officially divorced. I felt as if a thousand knives were stabbing me all at the same time. I couldn't breath and all I could do was cry.

I sent JR a text letting him know it was over. He told me he wished he could have been there to hug me. Another knife stabbing me.

Walked out of the courthouse in disbelief that just like that the journey of this divorce was over. All the years I spent talking about it and all the hours I spent daydreaming about one day breaking free of an unhealthy marriage had all come to an end. I for the first time in 8 years was a single woman. And for some reason, was never so frightened in my life.

A Little Bit Stronger

A little girl spends countless hours in her bedroom dressing up her barbie in a beautiful wedding dress. Or maybe just toilet paper and pretends it is a high fashion vintage dress. Little girls will walk their barbie down an isle and meet their prince charming (aka the Ken doll) and have them kiss. Little girls dream of their dream man. It is instilled in us at an early age.

For some little girls, their dream becomes a reality and for others, it doesn't quite work out that way.

I had all these same dreams. In fact, somewhere...maybe in a box at my parents house, I have a drawing of a man in glasses, wearing a suit, and holding a briefcase. Something about 9 to 5 professional jobs always  made me think of the perfect all American family. I blame it on TV shows growing up. That's what we are SUPPOSE to do. That's what society is calling us to.

I would have celebrated 8 years of wedded bliss  marriage yesterday. It only happens every 4 years. We thought it would be "cool" to go elope on leap year. Instead, my new "American Family" is going to consist of an over exhausted and extended single mom to 3 amazing little boys.

Amazing boys who right now have me extremely outnumbered and pulling out my hair!

I don't know what I miss at this point. Today has been exactly one month since he moved out.  I do miss him. I miss having someone hold me. Love me. All that mushy stuff. I don't miss the fighting, the anger, the violence. I don't miss the bitter heart that was taking over my life.

I just miss the dream that all girls have. A prince charming. A clean and tidy house. Dinner on the table every night and the all American family.

Today, exactly 8 years and 1 day after we said I do and one month since my life changed, I can honestly say I am a little bit stronger!

I believe...

Things get better with time. I believe that.

When it rains it pours. I believe that.

Jesus loves me. I believe that.

I am strong. I am trying to believe that.

My STBEH moved out 24 days ago. My best friend moved IN 25 days ago. It has been a wonderful distraction. Instead of lonely nights crying over my failed marriage, I have her to watch our shows, drink wine, and just talk. We sometimes cry, we always laugh, and we are able to be there for eachother.

But then when Im alone. Weather its laying in my bed without an arm around me, or cooking dinner for 3 boys not 4. It hits me. I am no longer wanted. Though it was ultimately MY chose to end the marriage, I feel thrown away. I feel that I was not worth a fight and that I was not good enough.

I wish I could say all the right Christian things right now. I can't. In fact, I went to church on Sunday for the first time in months and I realized why I don't go. It just hurts to much. It breaks me. I don't want to hurt and I don't want to be broken. I know both are totally normal and  healthy things to happen. I know I need to be broken, but I cant take much more pain.

I just want to be left alone. (of course as soon as I type that the STBEH calls) I just ignored his call. He is the last person I want to talk to right now. I found him on a dating web site the other night. DATING. Not Facebook or Myspce (not that anyone Myspace's anymore) but a site that you actually pay to meet single women. He moved out 3 weeks ago. He signed up 2 1/2 weeks ago. I am crushed. So, so, so heartbroken.

Next week would have been our 8 year anniversary. We eloped in Las Vegas on Leap Year. I remember cheerfully talking about how ever 4 years we will do something BIG. How do you build a life for 8 years with someone, have 3 beautiful children, and just walk away without fighting and start dating a week after you move out?

Maybe I am jealous. Not of the girl he is talking to, but jealous for the fact that despite how lonely I am the last thing in the world I want is to date someone. I have 3 boys who need ALL of me right now. They are and will be my focus for the rest of my life.

I believe one day I will be fine.
I believe one day my heart will not ache so greatly.
I believe one day I will have total trust in the Lord.
I believe one day I will be able to be proud of who I am.

Failure

Do you ever have those moments when you feel like a complete failure?

That's how Ive felt all week.

I watched my STBEH pack his car and move away.My marriage was coming to an end. 8 years with someone. 3 beautiful boys. A home. A history. All over and gone.

I keep hearing my heart will heal. People keep telling me I will realize how strong I am. Women are confiding in me that they are going through the same thing. That I'm so brave. I dont feel that way. I feel like a failure. A static.

All I want to do is cry. I don't feel strong. My heart is breaking.

One of the worst things I have ever experienced was watching my boys get into their dads car yesterday. They were going to leave for the weekend. I cried. My heart broke. From now on...I have to experience that heart break every single Friday afternoon. I have no idea how they are, if they will miss me, if they are sleeping good, what they are wearing or what they are eating. The biggest heartbreak is knowing that we couldn't make it work for them. They deserve the world. Not for their mom and dad to be split up and grow up in 2 homes.

But I know its for the best. I know they will be loved in 2 homes. I know they will grow up to be men who respect women and who know they are loved.

I don't know what else to write. I feel numb.

Self Fulfillment

I love this song

I don't know the point of this blog. Just ramblings I guess.

What is marriage for? Is marriage to get some kind of self fulfillment from your spouse? Are we there to constantly tell the other how handsome/beautiful, amazing, outstanding, hardworking they are. I guess that is one of the big keys.

I was recently told that the STBEH was happy meeting other people because of the positive attention he got from other women. Or girls. It was at a hooters, so I'm sure it wasn't a woman. (LOL kidding to any people who might work there. Personally I worked there for a long time back in the day) I wanted to tell him,  "those girls are paid to treat you like you are incredible" Inside my heart was saying, "its cause you are amazing. Those girls would be lucky to get to know you"

The good him. The good side that is kind, and gentle. The side that I was able to see every once and a while during our 8 year marriage.

I'm not gonna lie, it was a knife to my heart. I feel like I was always telling him how handsome he was, how hard he worked, how amazing I thought he was. I guess I wasn't good enough.

I'm sorry I wasn't the perfect wife. Maybe I shouldn't have always been in sweats at the end of the night. Put a little more effort in my makeup and appearance. Maybe because it was me spending the past few years working my butt off at night and taking care of kids all day. Maybe because I spent 3 years being pregnant and raising babies.

Maybe because HE didn't make ME feel good. I cant remember one single time I was carrying any of his 3 beautiful sons that he ever told me that I was beautiful. That hurt. After so many years of not being noticed, I started getting a complex. I started feeling so insecure. I started getting jealous. I started to hate myself for not being good enough, which lead to depression which made him angry at me, which made him lash out at me and the cycle just kept repeating.

In fact, it wasn't until this divorce that I feel he even noticed me. Now its, "oh wow, your going out like that? Wow, you look amazing" Well guess what..I have always looked like this (give or take a few hair color changes)

Its not until someone is gone that you realize what you should have done. What you should have said. How you could have been better.

The Best Day...

Hide your crazy and start acting like a lady...

This divorce has brought out the absolute worst in me. I need to get my act together and be the kind of woman I can be proud of. The kind of woman my kids could be proud of.

When I am hurt, my first instinct is to hurt the people who hurt me. I don't know why I do this. Between that and building up walls I am a very unpleasant person..to say the least. The walls I am building up around my heart allow for nothing to get in. Inside the walls is a broken, damaged, and beat up. It feels like it is barley beating. That's why I have to protect it. I have to hold on to the faint beat and the little bit of life that still comes from it.

I'm bitter, angry, and a skeptic. I am hurt by not on the STBEH but by people who I thought were my family for 8 years. How can you go from "caring" about someone for so long to all of a sudden nothing. I was by no way a perfect wife but come on folks..it was HIM had the problem with anger. It was HIM who decided to put his hands on me one to many times (yeah, I finally said it...and you know what it feels GOOD to get that out in the open) A phone call in the past 8 weeks would have been nice. You know, make sure Im ok, the kids are ok. Let me know that you are sorry for what has happened and your here if WE need you.

Wow, that feels great. Unfortunately that probably wont happen. I have taken everyone who has been unsupportave and has talked bad about me off my FB and will continue to do so. Life right now is about me and my boys. That is my focus. I will continue to do so and protect my broken heart.

Ok, whew. Glad to get that out in the open.

Now I can go on to acting like the lady I know I am and make my boys proud of their mamma!

Letting Go

Yesterday at 8:30 am my STBEH (soon-to-be ex-husband) left for the Phoenix Airport. He was flying to Northern California on tickets I bought him. A few months ago I wanted to do something special for his 30th birthday. So a weekend get a way and a party with his friends and family was what I was going to surprise him with. Besides, we could use a weekend away.

Fast forward a few months and now I sit alone while he goes. Its fine. It really is. I am learning to let go. Let go of control. Let go of responsibility. Let go of everything.

He has been gone 24 hours and I have only received one thing. A text that simply said, "I landed FYI" I sent nothing back. I didn't get a good night text. I didn't get a text checking on the boys. My Grandma didn't get a call from him asking to say goodnight to his kids. We got nothing.

And I have to be ok with that. I have to let go. My heart is breaking and that is the first step to start this healing process. I have to let him go. He has to go do what he wants and be in the world like he desires right now and just pray that it doesn't have such a strong grip on him that he wont be able to find his way back. I pray for the boys sake that he will I guess "get his head out of his a@@" and make his kids a priority and not his self.

I feel like my only child is going of to college at the young age of 8. 8 years we have been married and I have taken complete care of him. I have paid every bill, balanced every checkbook, done 100% of everything. Now I have to let him go out into the real world and worry if he is going to float or sink. My stomach is in knots. I had the wost nightmares last night about him. I am worried sick about him and I have to sit on my hands to keep me from calling or texting him.

I'm going to let go. I am going to let go and choose to be happy. I will continue to stay focused on my boys and Jesus. And one day I know that the Lord will bring into my life a man who thinks the world of me and my boys and when He does, he is going to be the luckiest man ever because I have so much love to give. Until then, I am letting go.

Step 1 of My Broken Heart

I held on to the "D" papers for 3 weeks. For 3 weeks they sat on my counter. I think sub consciously I wasn't filing them. Maybe I wasn't ready. Ready to admit my marriage was over. So many things happened in that 3 weeks that made me realize it was indeed over. Reasons only few know and that again wont be brought up at this time on blog.

I woke up on a Thursday morning with such peace. That is was time to take the papers in to the courts to be filed. I knew it had to be done the next morning.

With the set back of filling out the papers in blue ink instead of black ink all was ready to go. My mom and Grandma took the boys for me for the day. I'm glad they did. I wasn't ready for the emotional basket case I would be.

After going through security and hearing everyone joyfully saying, "Merry Christmas" By the way, it was the day before Christmas Eve. All I wanted to do was cry and tell everyone to stop being so jolly and let me have my depressing moment. I even spotted another woman a little older than me looking for the right papers at the self service center. I wanted to reach out and hug her. Like I stated above. Complete basket case! Anyhow, went through the jolly, happy security and walked the green mile. At least the hallway felt like it. It was cold and empty and seemed to go on for miles.

I had my emotions under control. I handed the clerk my papers and my copies. All I said was, "I need to file these" She looked them over. Probably seeing that I have 3 boys and now a failed marriage and looked up to size me up. Felt like the biggest failure. I feel the knot in my throat warm up like a big ball of fire.

She got out 3 large stamps or seals or something. And started pounding every single paper with them. Every time she stamped the page it felt as if a knife was stabbing my heart every time. One tear fell, then the floodgates were unleashed. Why did this hurt so bad? This is what I wanted. Or is it? At least I know its what I need to do. For the safety of myself and my boys.

I stood there for about 20 min while she stabbed my heart stamped the papers. I asked her what my next step was. She told me I have to go get papers to serve him then turn those in and wait for a judge. ya da ya da ya da.

8 years ago we eloped in Vegas. It was as simple as showing our ID at the courthouse and signing a paper. Maybe if it would have been more difficult to get married, I wouldn't be in this place.

I composed myself. Walked out of the courthouse on a freezing, windy, Christmas Eve Eve. I have never felt so alone. So empty. So heartbroken. At the same time so at peace and relieved. Most of all, so proud of myself. I was finally sticking up for what was right.

And so it begins

I have stayed away from blogging for weeks now. For the fear of being fake. For the fear of if I were real and honest the backlash that would result because of it. The ridicule, the gossip, the comments on how I shouldn't be putting myself out there and my personal issues.

I have stayed away for weeks and now it is like a burning in my heart. I need to write and get things off my chest.

Since I have been writing in my blog, I have wrote many times on my marriage. My desire to desperately save my marriage, my giving up on my marriage, the re-birth into what I thought was going to be the beginning to an amazing everlasting love. The Love Dare. The Love Dare failure. Venting, complaining, and being encouraged by my followers amazing words of wisdom. It was only 3 months ago that I promised myself to my husband. I vowed to him that I would be the best wife I could be for him. I vowed to him that I would love him and support him and never ever not even in the heat of the moment bring up the "D" word. Unless one thing happened.

This isn't to go into details of what exactly happened in our marriage. Looking back now it wasn't just one thing. I mean, the last thing..that thing that lead up to me putting my foot down and saying enough is enough was one thing.

But looking back there were SOO many things I did wrong. And that I will have to live with the rest of my life.

My heart is broken. It is filled with so much pain. I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel the man I have been married to for almost 8 years is a stranger and our marriage was all lies.

I'm going to be 30 in a few months. I have 3 little boys. I drive a mini-van. I'm suppose to be a family gal. Just last month I told him that I wanted to quit my job and be a full time mom. You know, the kind that has dinner on the table every night. Has all the kids bathed and dressed everyday. Spends the days at the park playing. That was MY desire.

In one split second, because of a lack of control all that was lost. I will now struggle as a single mom. Although ultimately it was something I choose to do, it was not something I wanted to do.

4 weeks later, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is the right decision. Tomorrow I will be going to court to file the divorce papers that have been sitting on our counter for over 3 weeks. My heart will heal. I will learn to be a single mom and raise 3 amazing, strong, respectful men. And one day, very very far down the road, I will find a man who sweeps me off my feet. Who will love me and my boys. A man who will never lie to me or hurt me.

Until then I'm keeping my focus on my main man upstairs and the 3 little men in my life who are my world. I will stop at nothing to make sure they are taken care of and being raised in the most loving home possible.

^"To all who mourn in Israel,^[c]
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory."

Looking Back

I have discovered this weekend that FaceBook isn't the place to "air" my dirty laundry. It isn't the place to moan and complain about how much my life sucks at the moment. It isn't fair that I complain about my life when I have friends who are hurting much more. Friends who have lost their little babies, friends who are single parents because their loved ones are serving our country. Friends who have been diagnosed with terminal illness or loss of a loved one.

My life seems so petty compared to all my dear friends who are fighting a harder fight.

At the same time I need a release. I'm not the best at expressing my emotions verbally. I usually bottle things up and feel I have no one to turn to (even though I know a bunch of my friends would be there in a heartbeat to listen to me cry and complain) I just hate having to put that on anyone.

Blogging is great for the heart and soul. It is great for the tremendous amounts of encouragement. And it is also great to keep everyone who cares updated on life. I didn't want to use my blog that I write mostly for my kids. I wanted something separate. My kids are my life. My divorce is just a little speed bump.  Blogging helps you to feel you are not alone. The keyboard and computer screen will let you cry as long as you need and with a simple click of a button you can have a dozen people help uplift you.

My desire is to go on this journey and document every step so that one day...a year from now...a month from now..whenever I start healing I can look back and see all the Lord has done in my life and how I really was stronger than I thought.

With all that said, I don't think I will be linking this blog to Facebook all the time. So, if you wanna take this "journey" with me you will have to subscribe to this blog so you can get the updates.

Thank you to each and everyone of you who have supported me and been there for me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you all.