D Day

I haven't blogged in a while. Haven't shared much of my divorce journey. I have been busy being a single mom to 3 boys, working, and keeping a home. I have been busy filling my life with things that distract me from the pain. Staying out late, meeting new people, sleeping in on the weekends and working all night.

Healthy? No, I know I'm not doing what I should do but I am doing what I'm doing and I'm not going to make excuses. Nor will I keep up this behavior. I am DETERMINED to better myself from this. I am DETERMINED to be a amazing role model for my boys. To be a strong woman they can look up to and be proud of. I want so bad to be able to say the Lord is my strength. Hopefully, with some help I can.

My mom sent me a few texts this morning on my way to the courthouse. She told me she wished we would try Christian counseling first and put the divorce on hold and she would do whatever it took to help. My heart sank. 8:30 in the morning and the tears started to flow. Part of me wanted to turn the car around and tell her she was right. The other part of me knew there was no changing the amount of damage that either of us had done during our marriage. I told her I was following through with it.

I don't know what I expected the courtroom to be like. I guess a huge room with a big ole scary judge ready to well, judge me. She was a very nice lady..a little intimidating..but nice enough. She started asking me questions, I replied. Then she said, "do you know Arizona offers free marriage counseling if you want to try and save your marriage" I did not know this. Again, my heart sunk and I had tears streaming down my face. I told her that it was not able to be saved. She said, "so you are stating that your marriage is broken" I answered "yes ma'am" and she said she granted my divorce and good luck. You are now officially divorced. I felt as if a thousand knives were stabbing me all at the same time. I couldn't breath and all I could do was cry.

I sent JR a text letting him know it was over. He told me he wished he could have been there to hug me. Another knife stabbing me.

Walked out of the courthouse in disbelief that just like that the journey of this divorce was over. All the years I spent talking about it and all the hours I spent daydreaming about one day breaking free of an unhealthy marriage had all come to an end. I for the first time in 8 years was a single woman. And for some reason, was never so frightened in my life.