I believe...

Things get better with time. I believe that.

When it rains it pours. I believe that.

Jesus loves me. I believe that.

I am strong. I am trying to believe that.

My STBEH moved out 24 days ago. My best friend moved IN 25 days ago. It has been a wonderful distraction. Instead of lonely nights crying over my failed marriage, I have her to watch our shows, drink wine, and just talk. We sometimes cry, we always laugh, and we are able to be there for eachother.

But then when Im alone. Weather its laying in my bed without an arm around me, or cooking dinner for 3 boys not 4. It hits me. I am no longer wanted. Though it was ultimately MY chose to end the marriage, I feel thrown away. I feel that I was not worth a fight and that I was not good enough.

I wish I could say all the right Christian things right now. I can't. In fact, I went to church on Sunday for the first time in months and I realized why I don't go. It just hurts to much. It breaks me. I don't want to hurt and I don't want to be broken. I know both are totally normal and  healthy things to happen. I know I need to be broken, but I cant take much more pain.

I just want to be left alone. (of course as soon as I type that the STBEH calls) I just ignored his call. He is the last person I want to talk to right now. I found him on a dating web site the other night. DATING. Not Facebook or Myspce (not that anyone Myspace's anymore) but a site that you actually pay to meet single women. He moved out 3 weeks ago. He signed up 2 1/2 weeks ago. I am crushed. So, so, so heartbroken.

Next week would have been our 8 year anniversary. We eloped in Las Vegas on Leap Year. I remember cheerfully talking about how ever 4 years we will do something BIG. How do you build a life for 8 years with someone, have 3 beautiful children, and just walk away without fighting and start dating a week after you move out?

Maybe I am jealous. Not of the girl he is talking to, but jealous for the fact that despite how lonely I am the last thing in the world I want is to date someone. I have 3 boys who need ALL of me right now. They are and will be my focus for the rest of my life.

I believe one day I will be fine.
I believe one day my heart will not ache so greatly.
I believe one day I will have total trust in the Lord.
I believe one day I will be able to be proud of who I am.

Failure

Do you ever have those moments when you feel like a complete failure?

That's how Ive felt all week.

I watched my STBEH pack his car and move away.My marriage was coming to an end. 8 years with someone. 3 beautiful boys. A home. A history. All over and gone.

I keep hearing my heart will heal. People keep telling me I will realize how strong I am. Women are confiding in me that they are going through the same thing. That I'm so brave. I dont feel that way. I feel like a failure. A static.

All I want to do is cry. I don't feel strong. My heart is breaking.

One of the worst things I have ever experienced was watching my boys get into their dads car yesterday. They were going to leave for the weekend. I cried. My heart broke. From now on...I have to experience that heart break every single Friday afternoon. I have no idea how they are, if they will miss me, if they are sleeping good, what they are wearing or what they are eating. The biggest heartbreak is knowing that we couldn't make it work for them. They deserve the world. Not for their mom and dad to be split up and grow up in 2 homes.

But I know its for the best. I know they will be loved in 2 homes. I know they will grow up to be men who respect women and who know they are loved.

I don't know what else to write. I feel numb.