I love this song
I don't know the point of this blog. Just ramblings I guess.
What is marriage for? Is marriage to get some kind of self fulfillment from your spouse? Are we there to constantly tell the other how handsome/beautiful, amazing, outstanding, hardworking they are. I guess that is one of the big keys.
I was recently told that the STBEH was happy meeting other people because of the positive attention he got from other women. Or girls. It was at a hooters, so I'm sure it wasn't a woman. (LOL kidding to any people who might work there. Personally I worked there for a long time back in the day) I wanted to tell him, "those girls are paid to treat you like you are incredible" Inside my heart was saying, "its cause you are amazing. Those girls would be lucky to get to know you"
The good him. The good side that is kind, and gentle. The side that I was able to see every once and a while during our 8 year marriage.
I'm not gonna lie, it was a knife to my heart. I feel like I was always telling him how handsome he was, how hard he worked, how amazing I thought he was. I guess I wasn't good enough.
I'm sorry I wasn't the perfect wife. Maybe I shouldn't have always been in sweats at the end of the night. Put a little more effort in my makeup and appearance. Maybe because it was me spending the past few years working my butt off at night and taking care of kids all day. Maybe because I spent 3 years being pregnant and raising babies.
Maybe because HE didn't make ME feel good. I cant remember one single time I was carrying any of his 3 beautiful sons that he ever told me that I was beautiful. That hurt. After so many years of not being noticed, I started getting a complex. I started feeling so insecure. I started getting jealous. I started to hate myself for not being good enough, which lead to depression which made him angry at me, which made him lash out at me and the cycle just kept repeating.
In fact, it wasn't until this divorce that I feel he even noticed me. Now its, "oh wow, your going out like that? Wow, you look amazing" Well guess what..I have always looked like this (give or take a few hair color changes)
Its not until someone is gone that you realize what you should have done. What you should have said. How you could have been better.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Hide your crazy and start acting like a lady...
This divorce has brought out the absolute worst in me. I need to get my act together and be the kind of woman I can be proud of. The kind of woman my kids could be proud of.
When I am hurt, my first instinct is to hurt the people who hurt me. I don't know why I do this. Between that and building up walls I am a very unpleasant person..to say the least. The walls I am building up around my heart allow for nothing to get in. Inside the walls is a broken, damaged, and beat up. It feels like it is barley beating. That's why I have to protect it. I have to hold on to the faint beat and the little bit of life that still comes from it.
I'm bitter, angry, and a skeptic. I am hurt by not on the STBEH but by people who I thought were my family for 8 years. How can you go from "caring" about someone for so long to all of a sudden nothing. I was by no way a perfect wife but come on folks..it was HIM had the problem with anger. It was HIM who decided to put his hands on me one to many times (yeah, I finally said it...and you know what it feels GOOD to get that out in the open) A phone call in the past 8 weeks would have been nice. You know, make sure Im ok, the kids are ok. Let me know that you are sorry for what has happened and your here if WE need you.
Wow, that feels great. Unfortunately that probably wont happen. I have taken everyone who has been unsupportave and has talked bad about me off my FB and will continue to do so. Life right now is about me and my boys. That is my focus. I will continue to do so and protect my broken heart.
Ok, whew. Glad to get that out in the open.
Now I can go on to acting like the lady I know I am and make my boys proud of their mamma!
When I am hurt, my first instinct is to hurt the people who hurt me. I don't know why I do this. Between that and building up walls I am a very unpleasant person..to say the least. The walls I am building up around my heart allow for nothing to get in. Inside the walls is a broken, damaged, and beat up. It feels like it is barley beating. That's why I have to protect it. I have to hold on to the faint beat and the little bit of life that still comes from it.
I'm bitter, angry, and a skeptic. I am hurt by not on the STBEH but by people who I thought were my family for 8 years. How can you go from "caring" about someone for so long to all of a sudden nothing. I was by no way a perfect wife but come on folks..it was HIM had the problem with anger. It was HIM who decided to put his hands on me one to many times (yeah, I finally said it...and you know what it feels GOOD to get that out in the open) A phone call in the past 8 weeks would have been nice. You know, make sure Im ok, the kids are ok. Let me know that you are sorry for what has happened and your here if WE need you.
Wow, that feels great. Unfortunately that probably wont happen. I have taken everyone who has been unsupportave and has talked bad about me off my FB and will continue to do so. Life right now is about me and my boys. That is my focus. I will continue to do so and protect my broken heart.
Ok, whew. Glad to get that out in the open.
Now I can go on to acting like the lady I know I am and make my boys proud of their mamma!
Friday, January 6, 2012
Letting Go
Yesterday at 8:30 am my STBEH (soon-to-be ex-husband) left for the Phoenix Airport. He was flying to Northern California on tickets I bought him. A few months ago I wanted to do something special for his 30th birthday. So a weekend get a way and a party with his friends and family was what I was going to surprise him with. Besides, we could use a weekend away.
Fast forward a few months and now I sit alone while he goes. Its fine. It really is. I am learning to let go. Let go of control. Let go of responsibility. Let go of everything.
He has been gone 24 hours and I have only received one thing. A text that simply said, "I landed FYI" I sent nothing back. I didn't get a good night text. I didn't get a text checking on the boys. My Grandma didn't get a call from him asking to say goodnight to his kids. We got nothing.
And I have to be ok with that. I have to let go. My heart is breaking and that is the first step to start this healing process. I have to let him go. He has to go do what he wants and be in the world like he desires right now and just pray that it doesn't have such a strong grip on him that he wont be able to find his way back. I pray for the boys sake that he will I guess "get his head out of his a@@" and make his kids a priority and not his self.
I feel like my only child is going of to college at the young age of 8. 8 years we have been married and I have taken complete care of him. I have paid every bill, balanced every checkbook, done 100% of everything. Now I have to let him go out into the real world and worry if he is going to float or sink. My stomach is in knots. I had the wost nightmares last night about him. I am worried sick about him and I have to sit on my hands to keep me from calling or texting him.
I'm going to let go. I am going to let go and choose to be happy. I will continue to stay focused on my boys and Jesus. And one day I know that the Lord will bring into my life a man who thinks the world of me and my boys and when He does, he is going to be the luckiest man ever because I have so much love to give. Until then, I am letting go.
Fast forward a few months and now I sit alone while he goes. Its fine. It really is. I am learning to let go. Let go of control. Let go of responsibility. Let go of everything.
He has been gone 24 hours and I have only received one thing. A text that simply said, "I landed FYI" I sent nothing back. I didn't get a good night text. I didn't get a text checking on the boys. My Grandma didn't get a call from him asking to say goodnight to his kids. We got nothing.
And I have to be ok with that. I have to let go. My heart is breaking and that is the first step to start this healing process. I have to let him go. He has to go do what he wants and be in the world like he desires right now and just pray that it doesn't have such a strong grip on him that he wont be able to find his way back. I pray for the boys sake that he will I guess "get his head out of his a@@" and make his kids a priority and not his self.
I feel like my only child is going of to college at the young age of 8. 8 years we have been married and I have taken complete care of him. I have paid every bill, balanced every checkbook, done 100% of everything. Now I have to let him go out into the real world and worry if he is going to float or sink. My stomach is in knots. I had the wost nightmares last night about him. I am worried sick about him and I have to sit on my hands to keep me from calling or texting him.
I'm going to let go. I am going to let go and choose to be happy. I will continue to stay focused on my boys and Jesus. And one day I know that the Lord will bring into my life a man who thinks the world of me and my boys and when He does, he is going to be the luckiest man ever because I have so much love to give. Until then, I am letting go.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Step 1 of My Broken Heart
I held on to the "D" papers for 3 weeks. For 3 weeks they sat on my counter. I think sub consciously I wasn't filing them. Maybe I wasn't ready. Ready to admit my marriage was over. So many things happened in that 3 weeks that made me realize it was indeed over. Reasons only few know and that again wont be brought up at this time on blog.
I woke up on a Thursday morning with such peace. That is was time to take the papers in to the courts to be filed. I knew it had to be done the next morning.
With the set back of filling out the papers in blue ink instead of black ink all was ready to go. My mom and Grandma took the boys for me for the day. I'm glad they did. I wasn't ready for the emotional basket case I would be.
After going through security and hearing everyone joyfully saying, "Merry Christmas" By the way, it was the day before Christmas Eve. All I wanted to do was cry and tell everyone to stop being so jolly and let me have my depressing moment. I even spotted another woman a little older than me looking for the right papers at the self service center. I wanted to reach out and hug her. Like I stated above. Complete basket case! Anyhow, went through the jolly, happy security and walked the green mile. At least the hallway felt like it. It was cold and empty and seemed to go on for miles.
I had my emotions under control. I handed the clerk my papers and my copies. All I said was, "I need to file these" She looked them over. Probably seeing that I have 3 boys and now a failed marriage and looked up to size me up. Felt like the biggest failure. I feel the knot in my throat warm up like a big ball of fire.
She got out 3 large stamps or seals or something. And started pounding every single paper with them. Every time she stamped the page it felt as if a knife was stabbing my heart every time. One tear fell, then the floodgates were unleashed. Why did this hurt so bad? This is what I wanted. Or is it? At least I know its what I need to do. For the safety of myself and my boys.
I stood there for about 20 min whileshe stabbed my heart stamped the papers. I asked her what my next step was. She told me I have to go get papers to serve him then turn those in and wait for a judge. ya da ya da ya da.
8 years ago we eloped in Vegas. It was as simple as showing our ID at the courthouse and signing a paper. Maybe if it would have been more difficult to get married, I wouldn't be in this place.
I composed myself. Walked out of the courthouse on a freezing, windy, Christmas Eve Eve. I have never felt so alone. So empty. So heartbroken. At the same time so at peace and relieved. Most of all, so proud of myself. I was finally sticking up for what was right.
I woke up on a Thursday morning with such peace. That is was time to take the papers in to the courts to be filed. I knew it had to be done the next morning.
With the set back of filling out the papers in blue ink instead of black ink all was ready to go. My mom and Grandma took the boys for me for the day. I'm glad they did. I wasn't ready for the emotional basket case I would be.
After going through security and hearing everyone joyfully saying, "Merry Christmas" By the way, it was the day before Christmas Eve. All I wanted to do was cry and tell everyone to stop being so jolly and let me have my depressing moment. I even spotted another woman a little older than me looking for the right papers at the self service center. I wanted to reach out and hug her. Like I stated above. Complete basket case! Anyhow, went through the jolly, happy security and walked the green mile. At least the hallway felt like it. It was cold and empty and seemed to go on for miles.
I had my emotions under control. I handed the clerk my papers and my copies. All I said was, "I need to file these" She looked them over. Probably seeing that I have 3 boys and now a failed marriage and looked up to size me up. Felt like the biggest failure. I feel the knot in my throat warm up like a big ball of fire.
She got out 3 large stamps or seals or something. And started pounding every single paper with them. Every time she stamped the page it felt as if a knife was stabbing my heart every time. One tear fell, then the floodgates were unleashed. Why did this hurt so bad? This is what I wanted. Or is it? At least I know its what I need to do. For the safety of myself and my boys.
I stood there for about 20 min while
8 years ago we eloped in Vegas. It was as simple as showing our ID at the courthouse and signing a paper. Maybe if it would have been more difficult to get married, I wouldn't be in this place.
I composed myself. Walked out of the courthouse on a freezing, windy, Christmas Eve Eve. I have never felt so alone. So empty. So heartbroken. At the same time so at peace and relieved. Most of all, so proud of myself. I was finally sticking up for what was right.
And so it begins
I have stayed away from blogging for weeks now. For the fear of being fake. For the fear of if I were real and honest the backlash that would result because of it. The ridicule, the gossip, the comments on how I shouldn't be putting myself out there and my personal issues.
I have stayed away for weeks and now it is like a burning in my heart. I need to write and get things off my chest.
Since I have been writing in my blog, I have wrote many times on my marriage. My desire to desperately save my marriage, my giving up on my marriage, the re-birth into what I thought was going to be the beginning to an amazing everlasting love. The Love Dare. The Love Dare failure. Venting, complaining, and being encouraged by my followers amazing words of wisdom. It was only 3 months ago that I promised myself to my husband. I vowed to him that I would be the best wife I could be for him. I vowed to him that I would love him and support him and never ever not even in the heat of the moment bring up the "D" word. Unless one thing happened.
This isn't to go into details of what exactly happened in our marriage. Looking back now it wasn't just one thing. I mean, the last thing..that thing that lead up to me putting my foot down and saying enough is enough was one thing.
But looking back there were SOO many things I did wrong. And that I will have to live with the rest of my life.
My heart is broken. It is filled with so much pain. I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel the man I have been married to for almost 8 years is a stranger and our marriage was all lies.
I'm going to be 30 in a few months. I have 3 little boys. I drive a mini-van. I'm suppose to be a family gal. Just last month I told him that I wanted to quit my job and be a full time mom. You know, the kind that has dinner on the table every night. Has all the kids bathed and dressed everyday. Spends the days at the park playing. That was MY desire.
In one split second, because of a lack of control all that was lost. I will now struggle as a single mom. Although ultimately it was something I choose to do, it was not something I wanted to do.
4 weeks later, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is the right decision. Tomorrow I will be going to court to file the divorce papers that have been sitting on our counter for over 3 weeks. My heart will heal. I will learn to be a single mom and raise 3 amazing, strong, respectful men. And one day, very very far down the road, I will find a man who sweeps me off my feet. Who will love me and my boys. A man who will never lie to me or hurt me.
Until then I'm keeping my focus on my main man upstairs and the 3 little men in my life who are my world. I will stop at nothing to make sure they are taken care of and being raised in the most loving home possible.
I have stayed away for weeks and now it is like a burning in my heart. I need to write and get things off my chest.
Since I have been writing in my blog, I have wrote many times on my marriage. My desire to desperately save my marriage, my giving up on my marriage, the re-birth into what I thought was going to be the beginning to an amazing everlasting love. The Love Dare. The Love Dare failure. Venting, complaining, and being encouraged by my followers amazing words of wisdom. It was only 3 months ago that I promised myself to my husband. I vowed to him that I would be the best wife I could be for him. I vowed to him that I would love him and support him and never ever not even in the heat of the moment bring up the "D" word. Unless one thing happened.
This isn't to go into details of what exactly happened in our marriage. Looking back now it wasn't just one thing. I mean, the last thing..that thing that lead up to me putting my foot down and saying enough is enough was one thing.
But looking back there were SOO many things I did wrong. And that I will have to live with the rest of my life.
My heart is broken. It is filled with so much pain. I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel the man I have been married to for almost 8 years is a stranger and our marriage was all lies.
I'm going to be 30 in a few months. I have 3 little boys. I drive a mini-van. I'm suppose to be a family gal. Just last month I told him that I wanted to quit my job and be a full time mom. You know, the kind that has dinner on the table every night. Has all the kids bathed and dressed everyday. Spends the days at the park playing. That was MY desire.
In one split second, because of a lack of control all that was lost. I will now struggle as a single mom. Although ultimately it was something I choose to do, it was not something I wanted to do.
4 weeks later, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is the right decision. Tomorrow I will be going to court to file the divorce papers that have been sitting on our counter for over 3 weeks. My heart will heal. I will learn to be a single mom and raise 3 amazing, strong, respectful men. And one day, very very far down the road, I will find a man who sweeps me off my feet. Who will love me and my boys. A man who will never lie to me or hurt me.
Until then I'm keeping my focus on my main man upstairs and the 3 little men in my life who are my world. I will stop at nothing to make sure they are taken care of and being raised in the most loving home possible.
"To all who mourn in Israel,[c]
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory."
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory."
Looking Back
I have discovered this weekend that FaceBook isn't the place to "air" my dirty laundry. It isn't the place to moan and complain about how much my life sucks at the moment. It isn't fair that I complain about my life when I have friends who are hurting much more. Friends who have lost their little babies, friends who are single parents because their loved ones are serving our country. Friends who have been diagnosed with terminal illness or loss of a loved one.
My life seems so petty compared to all my dear friends who are fighting a harder fight.
At the same time I need a release. I'm not the best at expressing my emotions verbally. I usually bottle things up and feel I have no one to turn to (even though I know a bunch of my friends would be there in a heartbeat to listen to me cry and complain) I just hate having to put that on anyone.
Blogging is great for the heart and soul. It is great for the tremendous amounts of encouragement. And it is also great to keep everyone who cares updated on life. I didn't want to use my blog that I write mostly for my kids. I wanted something separate. My kids are my life. My divorce is just a little speed bump. Blogging helps you to feel you are not alone. The keyboard and computer screen will let you cry as long as you need and with a simple click of a button you can have a dozen people help uplift you.
My desire is to go on this journey and document every step so that one day...a year from now...a month from now..whenever I start healing I can look back and see all the Lord has done in my life and how I really was stronger than I thought.
With all that said, I don't think I will be linking this blog to Facebook all the time. So, if you wanna take this "journey" with me you will have to subscribe to this blog so you can get the updates.
Thank you to each and everyone of you who have supported me and been there for me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you all.
My life seems so petty compared to all my dear friends who are fighting a harder fight.
At the same time I need a release. I'm not the best at expressing my emotions verbally. I usually bottle things up and feel I have no one to turn to (even though I know a bunch of my friends would be there in a heartbeat to listen to me cry and complain) I just hate having to put that on anyone.
Blogging is great for the heart and soul. It is great for the tremendous amounts of encouragement. And it is also great to keep everyone who cares updated on life. I didn't want to use my blog that I write mostly for my kids. I wanted something separate. My kids are my life. My divorce is just a little speed bump. Blogging helps you to feel you are not alone. The keyboard and computer screen will let you cry as long as you need and with a simple click of a button you can have a dozen people help uplift you.
My desire is to go on this journey and document every step so that one day...a year from now...a month from now..whenever I start healing I can look back and see all the Lord has done in my life and how I really was stronger than I thought.
With all that said, I don't think I will be linking this blog to Facebook all the time. So, if you wanna take this "journey" with me you will have to subscribe to this blog so you can get the updates.
Thank you to each and everyone of you who have supported me and been there for me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you all.
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