A Little Bit Stronger

A little girl spends countless hours in her bedroom dressing up her barbie in a beautiful wedding dress. Or maybe just toilet paper and pretends it is a high fashion vintage dress. Little girls will walk their barbie down an isle and meet their prince charming (aka the Ken doll) and have them kiss. Little girls dream of their dream man. It is instilled in us at an early age.

For some little girls, their dream becomes a reality and for others, it doesn't quite work out that way.

I had all these same dreams. In fact, somewhere...maybe in a box at my parents house, I have a drawing of a man in glasses, wearing a suit, and holding a briefcase. Something about 9 to 5 professional jobs always  made me think of the perfect all American family. I blame it on TV shows growing up. That's what we are SUPPOSE to do. That's what society is calling us to.

I would have celebrated 8 years of wedded bliss  marriage yesterday. It only happens every 4 years. We thought it would be "cool" to go elope on leap year. Instead, my new "American Family" is going to consist of an over exhausted and extended single mom to 3 amazing little boys.

Amazing boys who right now have me extremely outnumbered and pulling out my hair!

I don't know what I miss at this point. Today has been exactly one month since he moved out.  I do miss him. I miss having someone hold me. Love me. All that mushy stuff. I don't miss the fighting, the anger, the violence. I don't miss the bitter heart that was taking over my life.

I just miss the dream that all girls have. A prince charming. A clean and tidy house. Dinner on the table every night and the all American family.

Today, exactly 8 years and 1 day after we said I do and one month since my life changed, I can honestly say I am a little bit stronger!

I believe...

Things get better with time. I believe that.

When it rains it pours. I believe that.

Jesus loves me. I believe that.

I am strong. I am trying to believe that.

My STBEH moved out 24 days ago. My best friend moved IN 25 days ago. It has been a wonderful distraction. Instead of lonely nights crying over my failed marriage, I have her to watch our shows, drink wine, and just talk. We sometimes cry, we always laugh, and we are able to be there for eachother.

But then when Im alone. Weather its laying in my bed without an arm around me, or cooking dinner for 3 boys not 4. It hits me. I am no longer wanted. Though it was ultimately MY chose to end the marriage, I feel thrown away. I feel that I was not worth a fight and that I was not good enough.

I wish I could say all the right Christian things right now. I can't. In fact, I went to church on Sunday for the first time in months and I realized why I don't go. It just hurts to much. It breaks me. I don't want to hurt and I don't want to be broken. I know both are totally normal and  healthy things to happen. I know I need to be broken, but I cant take much more pain.

I just want to be left alone. (of course as soon as I type that the STBEH calls) I just ignored his call. He is the last person I want to talk to right now. I found him on a dating web site the other night. DATING. Not Facebook or Myspce (not that anyone Myspace's anymore) but a site that you actually pay to meet single women. He moved out 3 weeks ago. He signed up 2 1/2 weeks ago. I am crushed. So, so, so heartbroken.

Next week would have been our 8 year anniversary. We eloped in Las Vegas on Leap Year. I remember cheerfully talking about how ever 4 years we will do something BIG. How do you build a life for 8 years with someone, have 3 beautiful children, and just walk away without fighting and start dating a week after you move out?

Maybe I am jealous. Not of the girl he is talking to, but jealous for the fact that despite how lonely I am the last thing in the world I want is to date someone. I have 3 boys who need ALL of me right now. They are and will be my focus for the rest of my life.

I believe one day I will be fine.
I believe one day my heart will not ache so greatly.
I believe one day I will have total trust in the Lord.
I believe one day I will be able to be proud of who I am.

Failure

Do you ever have those moments when you feel like a complete failure?

That's how Ive felt all week.

I watched my STBEH pack his car and move away.My marriage was coming to an end. 8 years with someone. 3 beautiful boys. A home. A history. All over and gone.

I keep hearing my heart will heal. People keep telling me I will realize how strong I am. Women are confiding in me that they are going through the same thing. That I'm so brave. I dont feel that way. I feel like a failure. A static.

All I want to do is cry. I don't feel strong. My heart is breaking.

One of the worst things I have ever experienced was watching my boys get into their dads car yesterday. They were going to leave for the weekend. I cried. My heart broke. From now on...I have to experience that heart break every single Friday afternoon. I have no idea how they are, if they will miss me, if they are sleeping good, what they are wearing or what they are eating. The biggest heartbreak is knowing that we couldn't make it work for them. They deserve the world. Not for their mom and dad to be split up and grow up in 2 homes.

But I know its for the best. I know they will be loved in 2 homes. I know they will grow up to be men who respect women and who know they are loved.

I don't know what else to write. I feel numb.

Letting Go

Yesterday at 8:30 am my STBEH (soon-to-be ex-husband) left for the Phoenix Airport. He was flying to Northern California on tickets I bought him. A few months ago I wanted to do something special for his 30th birthday. So a weekend get a way and a party with his friends and family was what I was going to surprise him with. Besides, we could use a weekend away.

Fast forward a few months and now I sit alone while he goes. Its fine. It really is. I am learning to let go. Let go of control. Let go of responsibility. Let go of everything.

He has been gone 24 hours and I have only received one thing. A text that simply said, "I landed FYI" I sent nothing back. I didn't get a good night text. I didn't get a text checking on the boys. My Grandma didn't get a call from him asking to say goodnight to his kids. We got nothing.

And I have to be ok with that. I have to let go. My heart is breaking and that is the first step to start this healing process. I have to let him go. He has to go do what he wants and be in the world like he desires right now and just pray that it doesn't have such a strong grip on him that he wont be able to find his way back. I pray for the boys sake that he will I guess "get his head out of his a@@" and make his kids a priority and not his self.

I feel like my only child is going of to college at the young age of 8. 8 years we have been married and I have taken complete care of him. I have paid every bill, balanced every checkbook, done 100% of everything. Now I have to let him go out into the real world and worry if he is going to float or sink. My stomach is in knots. I had the wost nightmares last night about him. I am worried sick about him and I have to sit on my hands to keep me from calling or texting him.

I'm going to let go. I am going to let go and choose to be happy. I will continue to stay focused on my boys and Jesus. And one day I know that the Lord will bring into my life a man who thinks the world of me and my boys and when He does, he is going to be the luckiest man ever because I have so much love to give. Until then, I am letting go.

Looking Back

I have discovered this weekend that FaceBook isn't the place to "air" my dirty laundry. It isn't the place to moan and complain about how much my life sucks at the moment. It isn't fair that I complain about my life when I have friends who are hurting much more. Friends who have lost their little babies, friends who are single parents because their loved ones are serving our country. Friends who have been diagnosed with terminal illness or loss of a loved one.

My life seems so petty compared to all my dear friends who are fighting a harder fight.

At the same time I need a release. I'm not the best at expressing my emotions verbally. I usually bottle things up and feel I have no one to turn to (even though I know a bunch of my friends would be there in a heartbeat to listen to me cry and complain) I just hate having to put that on anyone.

Blogging is great for the heart and soul. It is great for the tremendous amounts of encouragement. And it is also great to keep everyone who cares updated on life. I didn't want to use my blog that I write mostly for my kids. I wanted something separate. My kids are my life. My divorce is just a little speed bump.  Blogging helps you to feel you are not alone. The keyboard and computer screen will let you cry as long as you need and with a simple click of a button you can have a dozen people help uplift you.

My desire is to go on this journey and document every step so that one day...a year from now...a month from now..whenever I start healing I can look back and see all the Lord has done in my life and how I really was stronger than I thought.

With all that said, I don't think I will be linking this blog to Facebook all the time. So, if you wanna take this "journey" with me you will have to subscribe to this blog so you can get the updates.

Thank you to each and everyone of you who have supported me and been there for me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you all.